Romantic Relationships: Physical Attraction, Emotional Intimacy, and Commitment

Romantic relationships, particularly those that we want to keep in the long-term, are like anything that we want to maintain: they take work to conserve. Generally, they are often thought of as including three core elements: physical attraction, emotional intimacy, and commitment. While each of these factors can exist on their own, it’s the combination of all three that typically forms the foundation of a happy, long-term romantic relationship. If any of these elements is missing, the relationship can take on a very different shape.

The Three Components of a Successful Relationship

1. Physical Attraction: The spark for most romantic relationships is driven by physical attraction. This is the component that fuels passion and desire, creating chemistry. However, without emotional intimacy, the relationship can feel lonely and without commitment, it can give rise to uncertainty, lack of security and anxiety.

2. Emotional Intimacy: Emotional intimacy refers to the emotional connection between partners. It is built on trust and the ability to show vulnerability, sharing our thoughts and feelings openly with the other person. In relationships where emotional intimacy and commitment exist without the presence of physical attraction, what emerges is often a close friendship.

3. Commitment: Commitment is the decision to stay with a partner and invest in the future of the relationship: sharing your lives. It requires dedication, loyalty, and shared goals. Unfortunately, commitment alone, without emotional intimacy or physical attraction, can result in what is often referred to as an “empty marriage”—a situation where two individuals stay together out of obligation but no longer share the emotional or physical connection that initially brought them together.

Finding the Right Balance

Even relationships that begin with all three elements can face challenges over time, particularly when life stressors - such as careers, children, financial strain, and personal growth- begin to erode one or more aspects of the triad.

How Life’s Stressors Can Undermine the Triad

Life’s inevitable stresses can slowly wear down the physical and emotional bonds between partners. So, couples who may once have had a strong connection, find themselves drifting apart due to years of stressors, including work, children, and financial responsibilities. It then risks one partner looking outside the relationship for better connection. In a relationship worn down by the pressures of life, sometimes the local lollipop lady seems more attractive than our partner – at least she smiles, like she’s pleased to see us every day.

Whilst not always true, the “grass is always greener” mentality can be an illusion. If one partner has irritating habits, chances are that the next one will too.

Getting Back on Track: The 60-Minute Marriage

In the case of a relationship that’s gone rusty from lack of maintenance, there are 3 options: grind along as you are, leave or repair it. All things that we want to preserve, need maintenance. We send our cars for yearly services to keep them working well, redecorate our houses every once in a while, or cut our grass when it’s needed.

Accepting that, sometimes, a house move or a new car is wanted, takes acknowledgement of your feelings - and courage. It could be that emotional intimacy was never there, and you are ready to acknowledge this, or that physical attraction has gone and won’t come back, no matter how much you try. In these cases, it may be that you don’t want to get back on track and that it’s better to leave. If that’s the answer, then you don’t need to read on. For others, there’s a need to see if things can be repaired.

In his book, The 60 Minute Marriage, author Rob Parsons offers practical advice for couples looking to restore the balance of their relationships, through repair and maintenance. Parsons’ message is simple: by spending just one hour each week focusing on your relationship, you can make a dramatic difference in your connection and satisfaction.

Key Principles from The 60 Minute Marriage:

1.  Communication is Key: A major theme in the book is the importance of open, honest communication. Many relationships falter because partners stop talking about their feelings, their frustrations, and their desires. To combat this, Parsons suggests taking time each week to have a focused conversation with your partner, where you listen actively and express your thoughts without judgment.

2.  Dating: Rediscovering physical attraction and emotional intimacy often begins with spending proper, quality time together. Date nights provide an opportunity to step outside the daily routine and talk. Whether it’s dinner, a walk in the park, or even cooking together, these moments help reignite the spark.

3.  Appreciation and Kindness: Another important point is the value of showing appreciation and kindness. Small gestures of thoughtfulness, whether through words or actions, can go a long way in reinforcing emotional intimacy. In relationships where partners feel unappreciated, resentment builds. A simple “thank you” can remind both partners of the reasons they fell in love in the first place.

4.  Forgiveness and Patience: Long-term relationships are not without conflict, and it’s essential to practice forgiveness and patience. Parsons emphasizes the importance of letting go of past grievances and focusing on the present and future of the relationship. This allows couples to rebuild trust and emotional closeness, even after difficult times.

5.  Connection: Physical intimacy is often one of the first areas to suffer in long-term relationships under stress. However, restoring physical attraction doesn’t have to be about grand gestures. Simply making time for physical affection—whether through hugs, kisses, or more—can help rebuild the physical component of the relationship.

Conclusion

Long-term romantic relationships are strongest when physical attraction, emotional intimacy, and commitment all exist. However, life’s challenges can erode these elements over time, leading to dissatisfaction and a longing for something better. Sometimes, there are good reasons to accept the relationship may be over. For other relationships, prioritising communication, spending time together, and practicing patience and forgiveness, can restore balance in a relationship – so long as both side of a couple are prepared to do it.