Anger and resentment: drinking poison

Anger

Anger is a normal response to violations of personal boundaries or thinking we have been treated unfairly. Anger is a powerful, but often misunderstood, emotion. It’s frequently a reaction to a perceived injustice or betrayal, that arises from hurt. Yet, despite the intensity of anger, one of the most well-known expressions about it emphasises its self-destructive nature: “Anger is like drinking poison, hoping someone else will die.”

This phrase captures the essence of anger’s corrosive power. When we hold on to anger, we think it punishes the person or situation that wronged us - when, often, it only harms us.

Resentment

Resentment, closely related to anger, has a similar dynamic. It is also a normal response to a perception of unfairness. The word resentment comes from the Latin word “sentire”, meaning “to feel,” with the prefix “re-” suggesting repetition. To resent is to “feel again”, repeatedly re-experiencing the negative emotion tied to a past event.

Like anger, resentment is a prolonged response to a perceived injustice that festers and grows over time. While anger can be an immediate, explosive reaction, resentment tends to be a quieter, slow-burning emotion that can last for years. Both anger and resentment can feel justified but if we hold onto it, we can become trapped in cycles of distress that torture only ourselves.

The toxicity of holding onto anger and resentment

At first glance, anger and resentment are evolutionary responses, often emerging from a sense of moral outrage—feeling wronged, betrayed, or mistreated. When someone hurts us, it may seem reasonable to hold onto anger, to remind ourselves that it was others who behaved badly, not us. In some ways, resentment can feel like we are standing up for ourselves by refusing to let go of events.

However, this is where it becomes problematic. While they may seem virtuous, resentment and anger ultimately poison our mental health. Much like drinking poison, as the metaphor goes, resentment and anger do not harm the person who wronged us; they harm us. In holding on to these feelings, we relive the hurt repeatedly, allowing it to dominate our thoughts, emotions, and interactions. The more we resent or remain angry, the less room we have for moving on. We become prisoners of our own emotions, unable to move forward because we are stuck in the past.

Taking control

One of the most helpful, but potentially hardest, ways out of anger and resentment is by looking at what we might have done differently ourselves. This does not mean excusing the behaviour of those who hurt us or ignoring the harm felt. Instead, by looking at whether we could have done things differently.

Sometimes there is nothing to learn, nothing we could have done differently. However, at other times there is. Often that is by setting clearer boundaries, communicating our needs more effectively, or choosing to disengage from harmful relationships. So, if we have continually done things for a friend or colleague who never returns the favour, then stop. If we allow others to repeatedly undermine and humiliate us, instead we can walk away from the relationship. We can’t control the behaviours of others – but we can control the way in which we behave.

The Sunny Jacobs story

I will always remember an article that I read in a newspaper about 20 years ago. It continues to amaze me and acts as a constant reminder of the benefits of letting go of anger, even in the most extreme of circumstances. We may never get to be this accomplished at letting go of anger and resentment, but here’s the story.

Sunny Jacobs and her partner were falsely accused of murder and robbery in Florida, in 1973. Sunny spent 17 years in prison before being acquitted. Her partner had received the death penalty two years earlier. Sunny remained in prison from the ages of 28 to 45. She is now remarried to another miscarriage of justice victim, Peter Pringle, and runs the Sunny Centre, providing support for other victims of misjustice.

In the face of these events, it would have been both easy and justified for Sunny Jacobs to remain consumed by anger and resentment. She had lost her partner, 17 years of her life to a wrongful conviction and the ability to see her two children grow up. Instead, I remember that article, and her words “I could have shouted louder. But the people who made those decisions are long gone and probably don’t care. I am merely a statistic. But they took away 17 years of my life - and I won’t let them take another day by poisoning it with anger.”

How to let go of anger and resentment

Although it is normal to feel negative emotions, this realisation, that anger poisons us, epitomises the destructive nature of resentment and anger. That said, how do we accept injustice and move on? It may feel like we have to forgive – and in these circumstances, where we have been so wronged, it can seem impossible to forgive.

Perhaps the best definition of forgiveness that I have heard is that forgiveness is giving up the hope of a better past. We can dislike the people who wronged us, and we may choose to not see them again – but we give up the hope of a better past  - and let go of   the anger and resentment that stops us living our lives in the present.

For Sunny Jacobs and Peter Pringle, by letting go of the hope of a better past and by refusing to let their anger dominate their future, they regained the freedom to carry on living their lives. Their story, whilst extreme, really does demonstrates the importance of focusing on what we can control - our own responses and emotions - instead of dwelling on horrific wrongs that cannot be undone.

Conclusion

In conclusion, both anger and resentment are emotions that can feel very justified but, ultimately, only harm us if we hold onto them. The metaphor of drinking poison captures the essence of their self-destructive nature. The only way out of both anger and resentment is through the recognition that we have the power to control our response to our emotions. As Sunny Jacob and Peter Pringle’s story shows, letting go of resentment and anger is about freeing ourselves from the emotional prison that anger and resentment create.