Adolescence: Throwing Your Cards in the Air and Choosing Who You Want to Be

Adolescence is a time of major change - and one that inevitably includes upheaval and anxiety, alongside growth and self-discovery. It’s a stage in life where the cards - values, beliefs, and rules - that parents or caregivers have handed down to their children are tossed into the air. As these cards float back down, we face the challenge as adolescents of sorting through them and deciding which ones to hold onto and which to discard. This process marks the beginning of an important journey: one of defining who we are, and what we want in life.

The Cards We Are Given

Throughout childhood, parents and caregivers act as the primary architects of a child’s worldview. They provide guidance, discipline, and protection, giving their children a set of “cards” filled with their own values, beliefs, and rules about life. These cards can represent ideas about relationships, success, morality, authority, and how to navigate the world. For a young child, these cards are essential, offering a framework to understand the complexities of life. However, as adolescence begins, teens often start to question the validity of these inherited cards, testing and reshuffling them.

Throwing the Cards in the Air

Adolescence is about transition—from dependence to independence. This phase is sometimes marked by a desire to challenge the familiar and explore new perspectives. The act of “throwing the cards in the air” symbolises the chaos and uncertainty that comes with adolescence. The values, beliefs, and rules that were once accepted without question are now up for debate.

During this time, adolescents begin to reevaluate the cards their parents or caregivers gave them. Do these values align with who they are becoming? Does the rulebook handed down by their parents fit the person they want to be? This is where adolescents actively decide which cards to reclaim and which to leave behind, defining their own path.

How the Parent-Child relationship moves to Adult-Adult

Transactional Analysis (TA), a psychological model developed by Eric Berne, is a useful framework for understanding the changing dynamics in the parent-child relationship during adolescence. TA divides human interactions into three ego states: Parent, Adult, and Child. Throughout childhood, the parent-child dynamic is largely defined by a Parent-Child relationship, where the parent takes the authoritative, guiding role, and the child responds with dependency and obedience.

However, during adolescence, a significant shift begins. The child, who once operated in the “Child” state, starts developing their “Adult” state—a state characterised by independent thinking, rational decision-making, and self-direction. In doing so, the adolescent starts to move from the traditional Parent-Child relationship to a more equal Adult-Adult relationship.

The Parent-Child Dynamic
In the Parent-Child dynamic, the parent is responsible for decision making, offering guidance and protection, while the child accepts this authority. The parent hands over the “cards,” and the child accepts them without much question. This phase is necessary for early development, but as adolescence begins, the adolescent no longer wants to be seen as a passive recipient.

The Shift to Adult-Adult
As the adolescent steps into the “Adult” ego state, they begin to reassess the cards. In this state, they are no longer content with accepting the cards uncritically. They start to explore, challenge, and eventually modify these values and beliefs. In an Adult-Adult relationship, communication becomes more balanced and reciprocal. The parent’s role evolves from authority figure to advisor, and the adolescent becomes an equal in the dialogue.

For example, rather than simply enforcing rules, the parent might engage the adolescent in a conversation about why certain rules exist and whether they make sense in the context of the adolescent’s growing autonomy. The adolescent, in turn, learns to express their views, negotiate boundaries, and take responsibility for their actions.

The Journey of Self-Identity

The process of reevaluating the cards given by parents is integral to the journey of self-identity. Adolescence is about finding out who you are and what you truly value, outside of the influence of others. This process is not just about rebellion; it’s about the adolescent’s need to create their own identity, one that feels authentic and aligned with their emerging sense of self.

As adolescents decide which cards to keep, they may hold onto some of the values their parents instilled in them—perhaps the importance of honesty, empathy, or hard work. However, they may also discard others, choosing instead to develop their own beliefs about success, relationships, and what it means to lead a meaningful life.

Conclusion

Adolescence is a critical time of exploration and self-discovery, where the cards handed down by parents are thrown into the air and carefully examined. This period marks the beginning of a new relationship between parent and child—one where both parties can eventually interact on an Adult-Adult level, engaging in open, respectful communication. By sifting through the cards, keeping what resonates, and discarding what doesn’t, adolescents begin to define themselves, paving the way for the adults they will eventually become.

In the end, adolescence is not just a time of letting go of the past, but also of embracing the future—a future where the individual gets to decide which cards they hold close.