Actions Speak Louder than Words

In any relationship - romantic, family, friends, or colleagues – actions often offer a clearer reflection of a person’s character than their words. But it can be easy to fall into the trap of excusing the behaviour of others based on their words. Consider the following:

Romantic Relationships

In He’s Just Not That Into You, the authors Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo warn against the tendency to excuse unreliable behaviour in romantic relationships and cling to explanations that keep our hopes alive. A partner may say they’re committed, but if they consistently cancel dates or change plans at the last minute, that’s a red flag.

By allowing your partner to regularly prioritise other commitments over you, you’ll feel as though you’re at the bottom of the heap – because you are. The disparity between what a partner says (“You’re the most important person to me”) and what they do (cancel plans or forget dates) is important. By focusing on actions, you get a more accurate sense of where your partner actually stands, being less likely to become stuck in a whirlpool of excuses and minimising confusion. As Behrendt & Ticillo advise, “If the person you’re dating doesn’t seem to be that into you, or you feel the need to start ‘figuring them out,’ please consider that they might just not be that into you. And then free yourself to go find someone that is.”

Friendships

Friendships thrive on two-way support and trust - but the strength of these bonds' hinges on action. For example, a friend might always say they’re there for you, but if they’re always too busy when you actually need them, they made not be as good a friend as you think. So too, if you regularly do them favours that they never offer to return, then maybe they are happy to take more than they give – and you can stop giving. In contrast, a friend who shows they’re there for you through their behaviour - both in good and bad times – shows that they can give and take in equal measure. Evaluating friendships by how friends act, rather than what they say, helps differentiate between those who truly value the relationship with you and those say they do but don’t behave in a way that reflects that.

Family

Family bonds are often regarded as both automatic and unconditional. Unfortunately, this assumption can lead to very unfulfilled expectations. I remember reading an agony column in The Sunday Times where the person was asking for advice about Christmas. She said that she always went back to her family but usually felt dreadful after, continually being “teased” about her opinions, choices and behaviours, but not in a way that made her feel included in the “in joke” amongst the rest of their family members. By contrast, she said that she had good friends who made her feel much better about herself. She’d tried to explain to her family how much their “teasing” upset her, but the answer was the same: “omg - you can’t take a joke – you’re so sensitive!”. She asked in her letter how she could make Christmas feel better with her family: how she could feel included. I’ll never forget the answer: “Perhaps think about spending Christmas with your friends”.

Unfortunately, whilst a parent or siblings might tell both you and others just how important family is, their behaviour can show otherwise. Observing actions over words helps clarify how family members actually feel about you. Understanding this distinction can lead to healthier family dynamics, as it allows you to engage with family members in a way that is more aligned with reality than with idealised expectations.

Colleagues

In the workplace, colleagues and managers often promise support, collaboration, or mentorship. But while someone may talk about being “team-oriented” or “open to ideas,” their actual behaviour—such as how they take credit for work done, or whether they back you up in challenging moments—speaks volumes about their integrity. Relying on actions rather than verbal assurances allows you to gauge the real nature of relationships with colleagues and avoid misplaced trust. For example, a supervisor might say they’re invested in your professional growth but then overlook you for promotion. Here, actions provide clarity about the level of actual support, helping you better navigate career decisions.

Recognising Excuses

In He’s Just Not That Into You, Behrendt & Tucillo touch on a vital insight: people are often so invested in relationships that they unconsciously overlook actions and instead cling to spoken reassurances or explanations. We create narratives that excuse poor behaviour, telling ourselves things like “They’re just going through a difficult time,” or “They do care -  they just show it differently.” While compassion and understanding are important, repeatedly dismissing contradictory actions in our relationships can lead to manipulation and distress. By setting aside excuses, we allow ourselves to see who the people around us really are, helping us to make informed choices about where we invest our time.

Actions provide a more reliable measure of character than words because they involve tangible effort and intentionality. Noticing consistent patterns in behaviour helps us see people as they are rather than as we hope or imagine them to be.

Conclusion

Mark Twain once famously said, “Action speaks louder than words - but not nearly as often.” This quote serves as a good reminder that words are easy whereas actions involve far more effort. By paying close attention to what people do rather than what they say, we can make more informed decisions in all relationships. Words can deceive, comfort, or mislead, but actions reveal the genuine values, priorities, and intentions of those around us. Whether in love, friendship, family, or work, the key to building healthy, trusting relationships is learning to focus on behaviour over words —ensuring that you’re valuing the people who not only say they care but who prove it consistently through their actions.