The Self-Criticism Myth (written by Dylan Keith)
“Useless”, “stupid”, “ugly”, “lazy”. If you were to follow one of your friends around all day, narrating everything they did using words like these, how would you expect them to feel? Yet we will consistently describe our own shortcomings and flaws in this way and wonder why we never feel good enough.
People often cringe at the idea of self-compassion, believing it will make them full of themselves, lazy, or weak. However, when we are compassionate to the people we care about, it’s not with the intention of making them arrogant or demotivated, so why would things be so different if we were more compassionate to ourselves?
Think of someone who really motivated you to work hard and achieve highly. This could be a teacher, coach, parent, friend, or anyone else who you feel got the best out of you. How did they speak to you? Were they constantly critical, neglecting your successes while highlighting your mistakes? Or did they support you when you were struggling and congratulate you when you succeeded? These are the fundamental characteristics of self-compassion – aiming to understand our own emotions when things are tough and being willing to take action to help ourselves feel better.
Still not convinced? Let’s look at the function of self-compassion in a real-life situation. If Sophie has been made redundant from her job, she may become extremely self-critical, “You’re useless, you should’ve worked harder, no one else is going to want to employ you”. This would likely make Sophie feel low, demotivated, and perhaps ashamed of herself, causing her to lose confidence and motivation and be less likely to apply for more jobs and withdraw socially, reinforcing her inner critic, “See, I told you you’d never find anything else, now your friends don’t even want to see you.” If Sophie is able to become more self-compassionate during this time, things could play out differently, “It’s really unfortunate that you’re going through this, but you’ve developed all these skills in your previous job that you can transfer into another one. If you apply for more jobs, you’ll be able to find something else”. This could make Sophie feel more hopeful, encouraging her to apply for more jobs, increasing her chances of finding alternative employment.
Recognising the benefits of self-compassion, clinical psychologist Paul Gilbert developed Compassion Focused Therapy to help individuals improve their wellbeing through thinking and behaving in more self-compassionate ways. It has been proven to be effective in treating various psychological difficulties such as depression and eating disorders.
Misconceptions about self-criticism, for example that it is required to motivate us to achieve our goals, cause us to say things to ourselves which we would not even think about saying to our worst enemies. Therefore, next time you hear that inner critic, consider, “Would I say this to a friend or loved one that I was trying to help?”, if not, why say it to yourself?