The responsibility pie: A Lesson from a Busy Supermarket on Christmas Eve
Picture this: it’s Christmas Eve, the supermarket is packed, and you’re in an endless queue that seems to grow longer by the minute. The stress is palpable, frantic last-minute shoppers desperate to get everything they need for the big day. You, too, are here on a mission, scouring the aisles for goose fat after Nigella Lawson declared it the only way to perfect roast potatoes.
Amid this chaos, there are two checkout assistants ahead. One is manically scanning items at lightning speed, determined to clear the queue as quickly as possible, her exhaustion clear to see. By contrast, the second checkout assistant is also doing her job efficiently but appears to be happily chatting with the customers. She’s not hurrying, nor is she taking full responsibility for the ever-lengthening queue. It’s Christmas Eve, after all, and there are too many factors at play for her to carry the entire burden for every person taken in by Nigella’s diktat.
This scene offers a perfect analogy for the pressure we often put on ourselves to meet the expectations of others. The first checkout assistant is a symbol of the way we sometimes feel compelled to solve everything for everyone, pushing ourselves beyond our limits in the name of “fulfilling our responsibilities” - whether at work or at home. Her manic energy comes from a place of guilt, or perhaps a fear of being judged if she isn’t “doing enough.” But what we don’t realise in moments like these is that this kind of pressure is both unhealthy and unhelpful.
Understanding the “Responsibility Pie”
In any event in which we’re involved, we’ll always have some responsibility for the outcome, even if it is just that we were present. Imagine that the outcome of any situation is like a pie, and each factor involved is responsible for a portion of that pie. No one person is ever responsible for the entire pie. In the case of the busy supermarket on Christmas Eve, the responsibility for the long queues isn’t just the checkout assistants’. It’s a mixture of several factors: the customers who chose to do their shopping last-minute, the store’s management for not having all the tills open, Christmas itself causing higher demand – and the checkout assistants.
The second checkout assistant will remain less frazzled by remembering that she can’t single-handedly solve the larger issue of Christmas queues. She focuses on doing her job well - but doesn’t let external pressures force her into a frenzy. The key difference is that she knows her part of the responsibility pie is just one slice.
The Dangers of Over-Responsibility
Taking on too much responsibility - whether in a professional setting, a personal relationship, or even in everyday tasks - leads to burnout, anxiety, and in extreme cases, depression. When you believe that everything is your fault, or that everything relies on you, you set yourself up for a vicious cycle of guilt and self-criticism. The first checkout assistant, with her frantic energy, is likely heading for this kind of burnout. By trying to “fix” everything, she’s missing the bigger picture at the expense of her well-being. You might wonder if she’ll even enjoy Christmas Day herself after pushing so hard to help everyone else with theirs.
Psychologists often warn about the dangers of what’s called personalisation, a cognitive distortion where you assume more responsibility than you actually hold. It’s easy to slip into this mindset, especially in stressful situations. For instance, if you’re at work and a project goes wrong, you might blame yourself entirely, even though other factors - like unclear communication or unrealistic deadlines - played a significant role. Similarly, during holiday gatherings, you might feel responsible for everyone’s happiness, overextending yourself to please family members, when in fact, their enjoyment is not solely in your hands.
Embracing Shared Responsibility for Better Mental Health
Mental health improves when we let go of the unrealistic expectation that we are in control of – and responsible – for everything. Accepting shared responsibility is one of the healthiest things you can do for your mind, relinquishing full control and accepting that there are always other factors at play in any given situation. This doesn’t mean we shirk our duties or become passive. Rather, it’s about recognising our limits and focusing on what we can control, while letting go of the rest.
When we take on only what truly belongs to us, we protect our mental well-being. We avoid burnout, reduce stress, and free ourselves from the weight of unnecessary guilt. Furthermore, we can be more present and engaged in the tasks that are within our control, just as the second assistant can still provide good customer service, without absorbing the collective stress of the season.
Conclusion
In any situation, it’s important to remember that taking on all the responsibility is not only unnecessary, but also bad for our mental health, leaving us feeling overwhelmed and mentally exhausted. Responsibility isn’t something to hoard—like an entire pie, it’s better to share it than to try to eat it all yourself.