The danger of Judgmentalness

Judgmentalness, whether directed at ourselves or others, can be a major risk to our mental health. At its core, it’s based on harsh, perfectionistic standards, of what “should” or “shouldn’t” have happened, fuelling both anger and self-blame.

I will never forget going to see Jamie Andrew, a well-known Scottish mountaineer, give a talk about 20 years ago, following the launch of his book “Life and Limb”, in 2004. It was about his life following an accident in January 1999, when he climbed  Les Droites in the Mont Blanc massif with his best friend, Jamie Fisher. His story has remained imprinted on my brain since and I often use his example in therapy sessions, as it really does epitomise the importance of not getting stuck in the “shoulds” of life. I would encourage anyone to read about Jamie in his own words, on his website www.jamieandrew.com. I’ll try my best to tell his story here.

Jamie’s story

At the talk I attended, Jamie told us his story. He was an abseiler by trade and he and best friend, Jamie Fisher, has gone on a snowboarding holiday. It was a good forecast, so they decided to go for a climb. Unfortunately, a storm blew in and they became trapped on the summit of the Aiguille du Midi for five days whilst the storm raged. Unable to descend and exposed to the elements, Jamie Andrew suffered extreme frostbite, leading to the amputation of both his hands and feet. Jamie Fisher tragically lost his life

After this, it would be entirely understandable to become stuck in regret, and to spiral into depression. I will always remember the answer that Jamie gave to a question from the audience about whether he had any regrets about the decisions made on that climb. He said: “yes, of course. It would be so easy to fall into a cycle of ‘should we have turned back when the storm started?’ or ‘should we never have gone on a climb. We were on a snowboarding holiday!’ – but saying any of that wouldn’t help”.

So, Jamie chose a different path – since the accident, he has climbed Kilimanjaro and the Matterhorn, run the London marathon, completed Titanium Man, had three children, and raised many thousands for charity, amongst a host of other things.

The Weight of “Should” and “Shouldn’t”

What Jamie’s story demonstrates so clearly is how the language of “should” and “shouldn’t” can trap us in cycles of self-blame, anger, and regret:

Self-Blame: When we use “should” against ourselves - “I should have done this,” or “I shouldn’t have done that” - we can often get stuck in ruminating on past mistakes, preventing us from accepting what has happened and learning from it. Self-blame creates an inner narrative of failure, one that can eat at self-esteem and, over time, lead to depression.

Anger Toward Others: The same judgmental mindset can be turned outward, creating anger toward others. When we think that someone else “should” have acted differently or made better choices, it leads to resentment and frustration. This can damage relationships and erode empathy, leaving little room for forgiveness or understanding.

Inability to Move On: Perhaps the most insidious effect of judgmental thinking is that it traps us in the past. By fixating on what “should” have happened, we remain stuck in a state of regret, unable to engage with the present and plan for the future.

Moving Beyond Judgment

What makes Jamie Andrew’s story so powerful is his conscious decision to resist judgment or blame, whether aimed at himself or others. His acceptance of what happened - not as something to regret, but as something to grow from - has enabled him to live an extraordinary life and to help so many others through his talks. In the last 20 years, I have never forgotten his wisdom.

Jamie’s mindset can be beneficial for anyone facing the fallout of a difficult experience. The ability to give up judgment allows us to:

Embrace Self-Compassion: Self-compassion involves acknowledging that everyone makes mistakes and that no one can control every aspect of life. It frees us from the unrealistic expectations we place on ourselves, making space for empathy and understanding.

Foster Forgiveness: Forgiving both ourselves and others can be equally transformative. By accepting that people are fallible and capable of error, we reduce feelings of anger and resentment, allowing for healthier relationships with both ourselves and others.

Focus on Growth: When we stop fixating on what “should” or “shouldn’t” have happened, we can focus on what comes next. This forward-thinking mindset helps us set new goals, learning from our experiences, but moving on from the past pain of them.

Conclusion

The lesson from Jamie Andrew’s story is clear: dwelling on “should” and “shouldn’t” can be profoundly debilitating. Whether we apply judgment to ourselves or others, it can trap us in a cycle of blame, anger, and regret that ultimately damages our mental health. Everyone makes mistakes, but once we have learned from them, it is far healthier to let go and move on.