The Basics of Emotional Control: Understanding the Four Quadrants
Our ability to control our emotions effectively impacts on every aspect of our lives, from our personal relationships, to daily stressors, to our workplace satisfaction. The way we respond to different situations significantly impacts our mental well-being and emotional stability. Understanding emotional control involves recognising that there are four possibilities in any given situation, dependant on how easily we can accept the situation and how much control we have over it. The four possibilities are as follows:
1. The “perfect” quadrant
2. The “control” quadrant
3. The “let go” quadrant
4. The “torture” quadrant
1. The perfect quadrant: an ideal world
The best scenario is when we are in control of a situation that we are happy with, so can easily accept it, without a thought. We’ve passed our driving test, got the job we applied for, the house we bid for etc. The person who we like, likes us back. In these situations, we feel happy and relaxed. There’s little or no need for emotional regulation because we’re already content with the way things are. This is the “ideal” quadrant, where our wants and desires fit with our environment and everything feels great. If we could only live life here all the time, then everything would feel very easy - - and life would be rosy.
2. The Change quadrant: a need to take control
The second-best scenario is being in control of a situation that we’re not happy about. While this takes more effort than it does when we’re in the perfect quadrant, having control at least means that we have the power to change our situation. For example, if you didn’t get the job you applied for, then you can apply elsewhere and prepare for another interview, reapplying as often as it takes until you succeed. You can resit your driving test. You can find another house or person to like – one that you will like you in return. This quadrant requires psychological flexibility but it also provides the opportunity for growth, by turning dissatisfaction, anger or anxiety into constructive action that may eventually get you to where you want to go.
3. The “let go” quadrant: making peace with imperfection, injustice and uncertainty
The third option is accepting that we have no control over a situation. This is where many of us struggle – because it means giving up on the outcome we wanted. Here, acceptance allows us to regain some sense of emotional control that helps us to move on with our lives, albeit on a different path to the one we wanted. Even for small examples, when faced with a situation that we don’t want to be in but that we cannot influence—such as being stuck in a traffic jam —the healthiest emotional response is to let go.
Acceptance doesn’t mean giving up or being passive; it’s about recognising the reality of any situation for what it is and trying to look instead for another path where we can make a positive difference to our lives. By letting go of the need to control the uncontrollable, the unjust or the imperfect, we can also rid ourselves of self-criticism, anxiety and anger. Acceptance allows us to more quickly let go of anger when someone cuts in front of us in a queue of traffic and anxiety when waiting for exam results. We can forgive ourselves when we make a mistake that cannot to fixed, like dropping our favourite mug on the floor. This is because any other response than eventual acceptance, inevitably leads us into a worse position: the torture quadrant.
4. The Torture Quadrant: where torment lies
The worst place to be is in the “torture quadrant,” where our negative emotions—anxiety, anger, and self-criticism—breed. When we get stuck in this quadrant, we can feel completely unable to move, stuck in the mud - because we’re caught between the reality of having no control and our desperate desire to change things.
There are endless examples of this. For instance, if you are scared of applying for a job because of a fear of rejection, you might find yourself oscillating between wanting to give in to your fear by not applying, and your desire to at least have the opportunity to succeed. We ruminate continually, stuck in torture. Similarly, when you can’t forgive yourself for forgetting a friend’s birthday, despite already having apologised for it, you are stuck in an endless cycle of self-criticism over something that cannot be changed: we can’t turn back time. Finally, when we ruminate over being treated unjustly, by someone who has treated us badly, we can let anger eat us up, whilst the person who treated us badly is either unaware of our feelings or, worse still, doesn’t really care.
Escaping the Torture Quadrant
The key to emotional control is learning to get out of the torture quadrant as quickly as possible. There are two primary ways to achieve this:
Challenge Your Thinking: Shift your perspective and confront irrational fears or beliefs. For example, if you are afraid of flying, you can challenge your fear by focusing on the safety statistics of air travel and deciding to get on the plane, despite your anxiety.
Change Your Behaviour: On other occasions, it’s not about thinking differently but acting differently. If you’re angry about being treated badly, you can sometimes go back to the individual and make your opinion heard. Even if it doesn’t change things, it can make you feel better. On the other hand, it’s sometimes about accepting that we cannot do anything to change a situation: if you drop money on the street that you can’t get back, it’s important to change your mindset, by letting go of the mistake and moving on.
Conclusion
In conclusion, mastering emotional control involves consistently recognising which quadrant you’re in and using strategies to get out of the torture quadrant as quickly as you can, having validated your emotions but seeing them as an unhelpful ones to get stuck in. By understanding and applying these concepts, you will find it easier to cope with life’s challenges - and you'll also torture yourself far less.