Managing Tricky Relationships

In life, we often encounter relationships that are not optional. Family members, in-laws, neighbours, colleagues—these are people with whom we have no easy way to avoid interactions. While some people support us in moments of difficulty, offering compassion like a plaster on a wound, others seem intent on adding fuel to the fire, metaphorically digging arrows into the very place we’re most vulnerable. Others, more confusingly, oscillate -  at times showing care and at other times inflicting damage.

So, what do we do when we can’t simply walk away from these difficult relationships?

The Arrow Throwers

Imagine an intrusive neighbour, always prying for gossip under the guise of friendly interest. No matter how many boundaries you try to set, they push to extract information, perhaps even using what they learn against you later in casual conversations with others. It’s a persistent arrow, aimed directly at your privacy.

Or picture a colleague who takes credit for your ideas at work. When the boss is present, they’ll swoop in and present your hard work as their own, leaving you seething with frustration. Yet, they’re also the first to offer a hand with a project when it serves them. The dual nature of their actions—a helpful gesture followed by a betrayal—leaves you second-guessing their intentions.

Then, there’s the sibling whose rivalry knows no bounds. Perhaps they find ways to one-up you at every family gathering, subtly highlighting your shortcomings to get that extra pat on the back from others who don’t see the manipulation. And let’s not forget the “frenemy,” that friend who always finds a way to sneak in a criticism, disguised as concern. They’ll compliment your outfit, only to follow it with, “though, will you feel a bit overdressed?”

Emotional Minefields

One of the most challenging dynamics involves family. Consider the mother who, upon visiting your home, immediately zeroes in on the state of your oven - or the messiness of your children. Her disgusted expression, or passive-aggressive comments about how she would never tolerate such chaos, are arrows aimed straight at your sense of inadequacy. She offers to babysit, but only if the children “behave,” implying that you’re somehow failing as a parent.

The truth is, we all know a version of this person - the relative who offers no compassion for your struggles - only judgment. For those with particularly difficult mothers, Karyl McBryde’s book Will I Ever Be Good Enough? offers a simple, yet sobering answer: no, you’ll never meet their standards – that’s the point. They could be your neighbour, friend of a friend, colleague, or other parents at the school gates who chip away at your sense of worth.

Coping When Avoidance Isn’t an Option

Whilst it’s ideal to limit contact with people who throw arrows, it’s not always possible. Workplaces, neighbourhoods, and family gatherings create situations where interaction is inevitable. So how do we manage?

One useful technique is to count and size the arrows. This involves observing unhelpful, toxic behaviour and recognising it for what it is - an attempt to throw arrows your way – to undermine of belittle. By identifying each instance, you distance yourself emotionally from the personal sting of the attack.

For example, let’s revisit the critical mother scenario. You might catch yourself thinking, She’s only been here five minutes, and already there are a couple of arrows—my house isn’t tidy enough for her – that’s only really a 2 out of 10 on the toxic scale – there are WAY worse things than that to get upset about. And she can only babysit if the children behave – that’s more like a 3 out of 10.

By mentally tallying up the criticisms, you create emotional space between yourself and the behaviour, making it easier to detach from the hurtful intent. Instead of internalising her disapproval, you begin to see her limitations and lack of compassion. As difficult as it may be, you can start to have a bit of empathy for her inability to offer kindness, much less put a plaster on your wounds.

The Power of Perspective

The key to managing these relationships lies in depersonalising the negative behaviour. When we focus on counting and sizing the arrows, we begin to shift our perspective. The neighbour, the colleague, the sibling, the frenemy of your friend, or the parent - these people are acting out of their own limitations, insecurities, or unresolved issues. This doesn’t excuse their behaviour, but it helps stop us from internalising it.

By recognizing these interactions as arrows, we can also make clearer choices about how much of ourselves to give in return – and how often to interact. We can offer a measured response instead of engaging in the emotional battle. We can choose to walk away from unnecessary conflicts, reserve our energy for supportive relationships, and set firmer boundaries where possible.

In the end, recognising the arrows being thrown - and knowing that not everyone is capable of offering the emotional plaster you need - provides a sense of control. It allows us to handle toxic relationships with a greater sense of emotional distance, rather than getting caught in the cycle of hurt.

So, the next time a difficult interaction looms, try counting and sizing the arrows. Recognize the behaviour for what it is, take stock, and remember that not everyone has the capacity for great amounts of kindness. With practice, you’ll find it easier to keep your emotional balance, even in the most challenging relationships.