Lessons from the Fisherman and His Wife

Before training as a Clinical Psychologist, I worked for the World Health Organisation (WHO), on a global measure of quality of life: the WHOQOL. There were 15 original research centres around the world, from Harare, to St Petersburg, Bangkok, Tokyo, Seattle and Bath, amongst others. The development of the WHOQOL revealed that quality of life is not determined by wealth, possessions, or status -  but by an individual’s position in life, in relation to their own personal goals, expectations, standards and concerns.

The story of the fisherman and his wife, by the Brothers Grimm, provides a good analogy. It’s a tale of desire, dissatisfaction, and the dangerous quest of always wanting more. This article uses this story to illustrate the psychological mechanisms behind contentment and how we can find it by shifting our focus to what really matters in life.

The Fisherman and His Wife

In the story, a fisherman and his wife live in a hut by the sea. One day, the fisherman catches a magical fish, the Prince of the Sea, that grants three wishes in return for his life. The man is not bothered but his wife is annoyed by this and asks one wish: a cottage. Unfortunately, her wishes then never stop: she asks to live in a large stone palace, then to be king, then emperor, finally demanding to be in control of the sun, moon and stars. It’s never enough: she’s always tortured by the gap between what she has and what she wants next – so the fish returns them back to lviing in their nal hut.

The tale shows the trap we can fall into. As we achieve more or get what we once desired, our expectations often rise, and the gap between what we have and what we want widens. This gap, the “gap of misery,” represents the discontentment between our current reality and our ever-growing desires.

Quality of Life: Beyond Possessions

When I worked on WHO’s quality of life measure in the 1990s, it was found that the key drivers of life satisfaction were not simply related to material possessions, but to leisure time, social belonging, safety, and a sense of freedom.  From research, we know that people with a sense of connection to others - whether through family, friends, or community - are far more likely to rate their lives positively. Similarly, those who have a degree of control over their time and choices, and who live in safe, stable environments, often report greater life satisfaction, regardless of financial circumstances.

For most of us, contentment is intrinsically linked to the alignment between our reality and our expectations. When our expectations are rooted in basic human needs: physiological needs (food, water, shelter) – safety and security (health, employment) – and  social belonging (friendship, family, a sense of connection) - as in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs - we are more likely to feel content. But when our expectations grow endlessly, as in the case of the fisherman’s wife, discontent is inevitable.

The Gap of Misery

Research shows that discontentment lies in the gap between where we are and where we think we “should” be. This gap, when manageable, motivates us to grow and strive for what we want in life. But when the gap becomes too wide, it can lead to an emergence of destructive emotions such as dissatisfaction, frustration, jealousy, anger and resentment. Like the fisherman’s wife, who was never satisfied with what she had, we can become trapped in this gap of misery, always focusing on what’s missing, rather than appreciating what’s already present.

Finding Contentment

If the story of the fisherman and his wife teaches us anything, it’s that contentment doesn’t come from having more but from being able to appreciate what we have. The WHOQOL’s research confirms the importance of finding peace in our current reality while making room for growth, where it’s possible. Psychologically, this means focusing on the elements that genuinely contribute to well-being, including:

Leisure time: Allowing ourselves time to rest, enjoy hobbies, and disconnect from the pressures of constant productivity.

Social belonging: Building and maintaining meaningful relationships with those who care about us and who provide a sense of community and support.

Safety and freedom: Creating an environment where we feel physically secure and have the freedom to make choices that our based on our own realistic values, expectations and concerns.

Conclusion

Ultimately, contentment comes from a balanced approach to life - one that recognises the value of striving for improvement but also finds contentment in the present. Making changes when we can is important, but we need to be careful not to fall gap of misery, where we torture ourselves with what we can’t have. Instead, it helps to focus on appreciating the essential aspects of life: time, connection, safety, and freedom.

For a daily exercise, try making yourself think of 3 things your grateful for every morning: it’s known that, if we keep it up, over time it can help improve both our physical and mental health, and our relationships with others.