Beware of can and can’t

The words can and can’t seem innocuous at first glance: just simple everyday words. However, where mental health is concerned, they can be very damaging when overused.

The Danger of Overusing “Can’t”

Of course, there are certain times where “can’t” is logical, where things are truly impossible: we can’t be cats because we’re humans, can’t go backwards in age over time, can’t get from Edinburgh to Shanghai in 10 minutes. These are facts. But when “can’t” is based on a belief, rather than on a logical fact, it can become very disabling, igniting and maintaining many mental health problems:

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
In the case of OCD, “can’t” often manifests as an inability to control intrusive thoughts. For example, someone might say, “I can’t stop these obsessive thoughts,” or “I can’t stop washing my hands”, reinforcing the idea that their thoughts and behaviours are an unbreakable cycle. The more they tell themselves they can’t resist acting on thoughts, the more trapped they become, feeding the disorder and making them feel powerless.

Anxiety
For those with anxiety, “can’t” creates unnecessary limitations: “I can’t go out in public because I’ll have a panic attack.” While the fear may be real, the word “can’t” reinforces the idea that they are incapable of facing anxiety-inducing situations. This mindset solidifies avoidance behaviours, preventing exposure to experiences that might help them overcome their fears.

Phobias
A person with a phobia might say, “I can’t handle spiders” or “I can’t go near water,” even though logically they know their fear is disproportionate to the actual risk. By using "can’t”, they build an emotional wall around the phobia, making it seem insurmountable. This self-imposed limitation prolongs their struggle and increases feelings of helplessness.

Depression
Depression amplifies feelings of hopelessness, with “can’t” becoming a prominent feature in a person’s internal dialogue. Statements like “I can’t get out of bed” or “I can’t feel happy” become pervasive. While depression can sap energy and motivation, overgeneralising to “can’t do anything” reinforces feelings of helplessness and inertia.

Eating Disorders
In eating disorders, it common to hear, “I can’t eat that because I’ll gain weight”, or “I can’t stop bingeing” These thoughts only serve to locks individuals into destructive cycles of restriction, bingeing, or purging. It prevents them from developing a healthy relationship with food and body image, as they feel controlled by these perceived restrictions.

Addictions
In addiction, saying “I can’t stop drinking” or “I can’t stop gambling” becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, with the person becoming increasingly more convinced that recovery is impossible over time, locking them into the vicious cycle of addiction and deepening the struggle to break free.

The Danger of Overusing “Can”

While “can’t” is disabling, overusing the word “can” often leads to anxiety, low mood and burnout. In our modern society, where social media can fuel the “compare and despair cycle”, many people feel pressured to constantly do more, be more, and achieve more. This can manifest as overworking, overcommitting, or taking on unrealistic goals.

Ambition and Burnout
Take the example of someone driven by ambition. They may constantly tell themselves, “I can work late every night,” or “I can push through the exhaustion.” However, this relentless belief can lead to mental and physical burnout. Overusing “can” ignores the need for rest and balance, often resulting in stress-related illnesses, anxiety, and depression.

Competitiveness and Perfectionism
Similarly, those who are highly competitive may push themselves to extremes. A person might say, “I can win this at any cost,” leading them to sacrifice their mental health or relationships in pursuit of success. Similarly, perfectionism fosters the belief that we can do tasks perfectly, which is impossible and leads to exhaustion. This kind of mindset can foster an unhealthy sense of self-worth, where achievement becomes the only measure of personal value.

People-Pleasing
People-pleasers often fall into the trap of overusing “can”. For instance, they may say, “I can take on that extra project,” or “I can help everyone who needs me.” Although the desire to please others might be well-intentioned, overcommitting can lead to feeling overwhelmed, resentful, and emotionally drained.

Finding a Healthy Balance: The Example of Jamie Andrew

The key to managing our mental health is to really question our use of the words “can” and “can’t”. I will never forget going to a talk by Jamie Andrew, a mountaineer who lost both of his hands and feet in a climbing accident. Jamie exemplifies this need to reflect perfectly.

Jamie spoke about it being easy to have been consumed by the things he couldn’t do in the aftermath of his amputations, such as zipping up his jacket or tying his shoelaces. However, instead of focusing on his limitations, Jamie focused on what he could do. It was this mindset that allowed him to train to run a marathon, to sail, to change from being an abseiler to working in management -  and to learn how to change his baby’s nappies - albeit he said this was a fragrant a task, given he had to use his teeth to pull the tabs off!

Conclusion

In mental health, over-use of the word “can’t” risks allowing mental health problems to develop and grow, including OCD, anxiety, depression, phobias, eating disorders, and addiction. At the same time, overuse of the word “can” risks driving people towards burnout, especially when fuelled by ambition, competitiveness, or people-pleasing.

The key to overcoming these traps is to always be aware of the dangers of over-using “can” or “can’t”.