Assertiveness

Assertiveness is a key skill that allows us to communicate our own opinions effectively, whilst still respecting the views of others. Unlike aggressiveness, which can alienate others - or passivity, which can lead to us feeling taken for granted and resentful - assertiveness strikes a balance. It involves active listening to understand the other person’s perspective, before clearly stating our own viewpoint and offering a constructive solution. Assertiveness improves communication by ensuring acceptance and respect for the opinions of others, whilst not compromising our own opinions and needs. The fable of the Little Red Hen is a good illustration of assertiveness and reminds us that, whilst we can’t control the opinions or behaviours of others, we are in control of the way in which we choose to think and respond. 

So, here are the important steps to take in learning to be assertive:

Step 1: Listen to Others First

In all of our interactions, particularly those that involve differing viewpoints, it’s essential to understand where the other person is coming from. Active listening, including reflecting back to assess whether we’ve really understood what the other person means, ensures that we are fully aware of the other person’s perspective before we respond to it. It also ensures that the other person feels heard, making it more likely that they will then listen to our viewpoints.

Step 2: Express Your own Opinion

After understanding the other person’s perspective, the next step in assertive communication is expressing our own opinion. We need to articulate our own thoughts, feelings, and decisions honestly. It’s not about thinking our opinion is more valid or important than anyone else’s – it’s more that we have an equal right to have our own opinion, whilst accepting that the views of others, even when they’re diametrically opposed to our own.

The story of the Little Red Hen demonstrates assertiveness. She asks the other farm animals for help with planting the wheat, threshing it, and eventually baking the bread. Each time she asks, she is clear that she would like their help. When the other animals repeatedly refuse then, rather than getting angry or giving up, the Little Red Hen continues with her goal, accepting the views of the other animals – though it might have been better had she given some clue as to what would happen if they didn’t help, allowing the chance for them to change their minds!

Step 3: Offer a Solution

The final step in assertiveness is to offer a solution: here, the control we have in each situation is essential to consider, before offering a solution! After we’ve shared our own opinion, we can suggest a solution, where possible compromising. This solution-focused approach can transform conflict into collaboration, at times, seeking the fairest way forward for all.

Unfortunately, what is actually fair in our opinion, doesn’t always mean that we can please others – indeed, they might be angry, which can make us feel uncomfortable. For the people pleasers amongst us, this is the most difficult part of assertiveness, but one that can save us from later resentment, an emotion that only eats away at us.

Returning to the fable, after the bread is baked, the Little Red Hen faces exactly this problem. When the smell of the freshly baked bread draws the attention of the animals who previously declined to help her, they all want a share of it, pleading with her. The Little Red Hen listens to them but reflects on what she thinks is fair, giving a difficult response for the people pleasers amongst us to tolerate, “Since you did not help plant, harvest, or bake, you will not eat.” She has stuck to her boundary of what’s fair and, since it’s her bread, she is in control of that boundary. Perhaps uncomfortably, she does not give in to the pressure and calmly states her point, without taking responsibility for the feelings of the other animals. Assertiveness can be good learning for others, making them less likely to behave in the same way next time - though again, stating the consequences at the stage of planting might have led to be better outcome of all the animals here!

Conclusion

Assertiveness is a tricky skill to learn, but one that can help improve both our communication and our relationships with others. By listening first, sharing our own perspective clearly and offering a constructive solution, having considered what control we have, we create a balanced approach that respects both our needs and those of others. Assertiveness involves standing up for yourself in a way that is firm but fair: where we do not please others at the expense of ourselves in a way that leads to us feeling undervalued, impacting negatively on our self-esteem. To be assertive, we just need to remember to treat ourselves as we would do others, whilst treating others as we would treat ourselves.