The importance of self-protection: putting on your own oxygen mask first

Interpersonal Therapy

Interpersonal therapy (IPT) focuses on how relationships can affect our emotional well-being. From an IPT perspective, the balance of give and take in relationships plays a role in maintaining mental health, with a healthy balance keeping us feeling supported, whilst also being able to offer support.

Having several supportive relationships can feel almost like a safety net around us, there to provide emotional or practical support when we need it: a supportive ear when we’re struggling, or a more pragmatic form of help, such as a neighbour watering our plants when we’re away from home. In return, we can provide the same support for others. Whilst equal give and take keeps us feeling supported, IPT teaches us that imbalances in emotional and practical support can lead to feelings of isolation, anxiety, or depression. Too much giving can be destructive.

The perils of giving too much

For many of us, particularly those prone to people pleasing, there can be an automatic desire to support others in need, whether this be family members, friends or colleagues. We tend to say yes, without pausing for thought because we fear causing upset. Whilst the desire to help is a lovely human quality, too much helping can come at a significant cost, impacting negatively on our mental health and causing us to be unable to help others in the longer term.

The Oxygen Mask Analogy

Every single time we get on a plane, the instruction is always the same: put on your own oxygen mask before helping others with theirs – even if those others are your own children! There’s little point in repeatedly putting a mask on a child, in response to them pulling it off in panic, if we haven’t made sure ours is properly fitted first. The result will be that we will faint, and not able to help anyone else. This a useful metaphor for understanding why self-protection is so important. Whilst it might seem instinctive to help a child or an elderly person next to you first, doing so without your own mask safely on can quickly lead to unconsciousness and a total inability to help anyone at all.

This same principle applies to mental health. Whilst it can be very tempting to help others, partly due to the sense of purpose and satisfaction that comes from it, it can become tempting to do more and more, without acknowledging the energy it uses up. Often resulting in us running out of energy. When we become emotionally drained, our capacity to provide effective support for others diminishes. We can become more irritable, less patient, and less capable of thinking clearly. In extreme cases, neglecting our mental health can lead to increased anxiety, lowered mood, feelings of resentment - and eventually, to burnout. Remaining aware of our own mental health and protecting ourselves from burnout, ensures we remain equipped to help others in the long term.

The Rope Analogy

The rope analogy shows how we can help others without compromising ourselves. If we’re standing on the shore and see a person, or even an animal, struggling in the water, our instinctive response may be to jump in and try to pull them to safety. Unfortunately, our need to help others can prove dangerous. If you’re not a trained lifeguard, or if the water is dangerous, you risk being pulled under yourself, turning one emergency into two.

Though perhaps counter intuitive, the best approach is to stay on land and throw in a rope. From this safe position, we can still provide some help, without endangering ourselves or making the situation worse. Being aware of our boundaries and capabilities will minimise the risk of being pulled under by another person’s distress.

Conclusion

Just as a physically exhausted person cannot be expected to lift a heavy object, someone who is emotionally depleted cannot provide adequate support to others. We can only successfully support others when we are fit and well. Putting our mental health first is not selfish; it’s a necessary act of self-preservation, which ultimately helps everyone around us. By taking care of ourselves, we can ensure that we are both able and equipped to help others in a consistent way, as one member of a team holding a safety net. Whether it’s putting on your own oxygen mask or throwing a rope into the water rather than jumping in yourself, it’s important to remember that you can only help others when you’re feeling fit yourself.