Support Systems and Safety Nets
Support systems and safety nets
There’s a well-known expression that a burden shared is a burden halved. But, when working with people who are depressed, one of the most common things we hear is, “I don’t want to be a burden.” There’s a real reluctance to ask for help, generally fuelled by the fear of inconveniencing others, or appearing weak. Yet, when clients are asked how they feel when they help others, they describe feeling trusted, valued, and as though they have a purpose. This paradox highlights a really important fact – that giving and receiving help make us feel better and less alone in life, improving both our mood and sense of ourselves.
The moral of the well-known children’s story, “The Elves and the Shoemaker, ” is exactly this. In it, a struggling shoemaker is given help by magic elves – he cuts the leather and then the elves sew the leather pieces into shoes for him during the night. Their help transforms his life, allowing his business to survive and then to thrive. As it does so, the shoemaker and his wife repay the favour by making clothes for the elves, closing the circle of give and take.
Social Support is a Safety Net
Social support systems act like safety nets. When we stumble or fall, the people in our lives catch us. In turn, we can help support others when they need it. Research consistently shows that strong social support networks protect against mental health difficulties, so people with good safety nets have:
Lower levels of stress and depression.
Improved ability to cope with challenges.
A greater sense of meaning and purpose.
Social support comes in many forms:
Emotional support: listening to someone, validating their feelings, or simply being present.
Practical support: helping with everyday tasks like cooking, childcare, watering plants or doing pet care when a friend or neighbour is on holiday.
Companionship: spending time together and talking about what’s going on in the outside world, watching a film together or going for a walk.
These supports act as protective factors against mental health difficulties, decreasing our sense of feeling overwhelmed that we need to do everything alone.
Mending the Nets
Unfortunately, mental health problems, particularly depression, can break us away from our safety net, isolating us by making us feel like we don’t deserve any care or support. Pushing back against this, by allowing others to help, is an important step towards recovery.
In Interpersonal Therapy (IPT), the importance of relationships in mental health is emphasised. It identifies areas where problems can contribute to our distress - such as conflict, or grief - and focuses on rebuilding relationships. Clients who feel like “a burden” learn through IPT that asking for help actually strengthens relationships. Trusting someone enough to be vulnerable makes our relationships closer, by allowing others to feel that they can also show their vulnerability, asking for our advice or help in return.
So, a mother overwhelmed by the demands of caring for her child will likely get some much needed relief by asking a neighbour to babysit for an hour, or by asking a friend to drop off a meal. The willingness of others to help out reinforces the idea that we are not alone, making us feel better – and eventually more able to help others as a repayment for their kindness.
Similarly, a retired man battling loneliness might feel better by joining a community group or volunteering. The act of helping others—whether by listening, helping with a practical task, or simply chatting —helps improve our mood and increases our sense of belonging and of purpose.
We Are Social Beings, Not Polar Bears
Unlike polar bears, who live solitary lives, humans are inherently social creatures. Our survival and mental health depend on connection. The idea that we must cope with our struggles alone is not only untrue but it’s also counterproductive. Support mechanisms—whether through friends, family, therapists, or communities—are not signs of weakness; they are essential to mental health.
Returning to the story of “The Elves and the Shoemaker,” it’s obvious that giving and receiving support are two sides of the same coin. When we really take on board the idea of mutual support, we create a safety net that protects against depression and many other mental health problems. Whether through emotional support, companionship, or practical help, we strengthen our relationships with others. So, when the temptation arises to shrink away in isolation, please remember this: seeking support is not being a burden—it’s just being human.