Radiators and Drains: The Importance of Equal Give and Take in Relationships for Good Mental Health

Relationships are an essential part of human life. Whether it’s relationships with family, friends, romantic partners, or colleagues, they can bring  comfort, support and companionship - or cause stress, frustration, and even emotional exhaustion when they become one-sided. The balance of give and take in relationships is crucial for good mental health, as it ensures mutual support and respect, stopping us from feeling taken for granted.

To understand this dynamic better, think of the people in our lives as “radiators” or “drains.” Some people and make us feel warmer and better, while others leave us exhausted, and emotionally drained. Similarly, when it comes to practical support, we encounter “participants,” who actively contribute to the relationship, and “passengers,” who expect us to do all the heavy lifting. It’s the presence of these radiating participants that can help safeguard our mental well-being.

Emotional Support: Radiators vs. Drains

Imagine walking into a room on a chilly day. You walk over to a radiator, rest against it – and instantly feel warmer and more comfortable. Think of someone in your life who acts like an emotional radiator – making you feel better when you’re anxious, angry or low. “Radiators” are people who provide positivity and support when you need it. They listen when you need to talk, encourage you when you’re feeling down, and offer empathy and understanding during tough times. They help you find a positive solution and don’t get stuck in pointing out what you “should” have done differently! In work, radiators collaborate, share credit, and offer support when you need help.

In contrast, “drains” are people who tend to siphon off any emotional energy you had. They are often self-centered, dominating conversations with their problems, rarely pausing to ask how you’re doing. They may consistently lean on you for support but are absent when you need help. Interacting with drains can leave you feeling mentally exhausted. Over time, this imbalance can take a toll on your mental health, leading to stress, anxiety, and feelings of resentment. In contrast to radiators, they do tell you how you might have done things better – as they would have done! At work, a drain may constantly complain, refusing to take responsibility for their work, and blame mistakes on others, always.

Maintaining good mental health requires a balance between giving and receiving emotional support. Too much giving, without receiving, can leave us feeling like we’re at the bottom of the heap.

Practical Support: Participants vs. Passengers

While emotional support is critical, practical support in relationships is just as important. This is where the distinction between “participants” and “passengers” becomes clear. Participants are those who actively engage in the relationship, contributing their time, effort, and resources equally to ensure that you don’t feel taken for granted. Whether it’s helping with household chores, planning activities, or simply offering a helping hand when needed, participants understand the importance of sharing responsibilities.

Passengers, on the other hand, are those who ride along without contributing much. They expect you to do the majority of the work—whether it’s doing all the chores, or making all the decisions. This dynamic creates an unhealthy imbalance, where one person bears the brunt of the relationship’s burdens while the other enjoys the benefits. Over time, this can lead to frustration and resentment, which can have a negative impact on mental health.

To maintain healthy relationships, it’s important to foster an environment where practical support is shared equally. When both parties are participants, there’s a sense of partnership, respect, and shared responsibility. This not only strengthens the relationship but also helps reduce stress and prevent feelings of resentment growing.

Striking the Balance for Good Mental Health

Ultimately, good mental health in relationships depends on balance. We need relationships that offer both emotional and practical reciprocity. Surrounding ourselves with radiators ensures we receive emotional support when we need it. At the same time, having participants who are willing to share the responsibilities and actively engage in the relationship helps us avoid feeling overburdened and exhausted.

On the other hand, too many draining passengers—those who deplete our energy and expect us to carry the load—can lead to feelings of frustration, burnout, and even depression. Therefore, it’s important to regularly evaluate the give-and-take dynamics in our relationships and set boundaries when necessary to protect our mental health.

Conclusion

In the end, we all deserve relationships that contribute positively to our lives. By prioritising “radiating participants” who provide both emotional warmth and practical support—we can build healthier, reciprocal relationships. So, choose wisely - your mental health will thank you for it.