Psychological Flexibility: When Life Forces Us to Change Paths

You’re walking along your favourite pathway – one you love and one that leads to where you want to go – when, without warning, there’s a landslide blocking the way forward. This analogy reflects how we often feel when major life events happen to us. Whether it’s the loss of a job, the end of a relationship, or the end of a long-held goal, it’s normal to feel devastated and overwhelmed. As humans, we’re wired to want familiarity and security. When the path we’ve relied on is no longer there, it shakes our sense of control, leaving us feeling vulnerable and distressed.

It’s natural to want to continue down the same road, to wish the landslide hadn’t occurred, and to hope things will somehow return to how they were. So, we need to acknowledge our distress. Unfortunately, as time goes on and we realise that carrying on the path is not possible, standing still can make us feel even worse. What we need then is psychological flexibility—the ability to adapt and move forward on a new path, even when it’s not the one we originally intended to walk and we don’t really want to walk it at all.

Why Change Feels So Hard

Often when we face unexpected changes in life, we have no time to adapt and our first response is resistance. Our resistance is deeply rooted in our desire for control and security. Walking the same familiar path gives us a sense of predictability - we know where we’re headed - and that brings comfort. Human beings are creatures of habit, and change threatens our structure and expectations.

When we’re forced to choose a new way forward, it’s normal to feel a range of difficult emotions that mirror a normal grief response:

Loss: The first emotion that we often feel is a profound sense of loss. We’re not just grieving the blocked path; we’re grieving everything that path represented - the plans, dreams and sense of stability it provided. It’s like standing in front of the landslide, mourning the journey you can no longer take.

Anger: After the initial shock of loss, anger often follows. We may feel frustrated with the situation, wondering why this had to happen. “Why me?” or “Why now?” are common reactions to loss. This anger can also be directed inward, creating a sense of helplessness as we wrestle with the unfairness of the situation – or it can go outwards, making us irritable in our response to others.

Anxiety: Anxiety usually flares when we realize that the path we knew so well is no longer available, and the future now feels uncertain. If not this path, then where? The fear of the unknown can feel paralysing. When faced with a new, uncharted route, it’s easy to worry that the new path might not lead us where we want to go, or worse, that we won’t find another path at all.

Self-Blame: In times of change, it’s common to turn inward with self-blame. “Could I have done something differently?” “Was there a way to avoid this from happening?” These thoughts create a cycle of guilt and self-criticism, adding to the emotional burden of the moment. It’s as though we believe that somehow, the obstacle in our path is our fault.

The Need for Psychological Flexibility

While these emotions—loss, anger, anxiety, and self-blame—are completely normal, they can leave us feeling stuck, much like standing frozen in front of the landslide, unwilling or unable to move.

Spencer Johnson’s book, “Who Stole My Cheese”, is a great motivational parable on the advantages of psychological flexibility: where we can see the need for change ahead, we can plan for it – as the mice (Sniff and Scurry) do, finding a new source of food when they see the feeding station running out. By contrast, the two humans (Hem and Haw) are slower off the mark, with Hem refusing to leave the spot where the cheese once was, and Haw only slowly realising the need for change. If change is inevitable, adapting quickly allows us to grow, whilst resisting it leads to frustration and stagnation. This is where psychological flexibility is really important.

Psychological flexibility is the ability to shift perspectives, adapt to new situations, and keep moving forward, even when the path ahead looks different from what you expected. It’s not about denying the landslide or pretending that the change isn’t painful. Rather, it’s about acknowledging the loss and difficulty, whilst also being open to new possibilities. Psychological flexibility encourages you to take a deep breath, accept that the old way is no longer an option, and begin exploring what lies beyond the landslide.

This ability to adjust is essential for our well-being, particularly in times of significant life changes. Being psychologically flexible allows us to move through difficult emotions without becoming trapped by them. It helps us keep our eyes open for new opportunities, even when the path ahead seems uncertain.

Therapy: help in finding and negotiating a new Path

For many of us, developing psychological flexibility doesn’t come naturally, especially in the face of life’s most challenging changes. This is where therapy can help, providing a supportive space to process the emotions and then, slowly and at your own pace, move on. Therapy can help you:

Acknowledge and accept your feelings:  including validating the grief response - loss, anger, anxiety, and self-blame - without being overwhelmed by them. Rather than suppressing these emotions, therapy encourages you to face and work through them.

Challenge unhelpful thoughts: by identifying patterns of thinking that may be keeping you stuck, such as blaming yourself or believing that no other paths exist. Cognitive-behavioral techniques, for example, can help you reframe negative thoughts and focus on solutions.

Focus on values and goals: Therapy can help you remember other things that you do still have and that matter to you. By focusing on what you do still have, your values and things that you can still control, you can find new ways to pursue your goals, even if the journey looks different than you originally planned.

Build hope and resilient: Over time, therapy helps you see that there is still the possibility of finding enjoyment in life. Each time you practice adapting to a new path, you build resilience, making it easier to navigate life’s inevitable changes in the future.

Conclusion

Change, especially when unexpected, can be incredibly difficult. It’s natural to grieve the loss of the familiar path and feel emotions like anger, anxiety, and self-blame. But standing still, staring at the landslide, won’t make it go away.

Psychological flexibility allows you to acknowledge the pain of the blocked path while trying to focus on the possibility of new directions, despite feeling overwhelmed and as though this is impossible. It’s here that therapy can help offer support and guidance. In the end, however tough the landslide may seem, a change in path is better than standing still.