Knowing What’s in Our Control and What’s Not
Over the years, I’ve had hundreds of conversations with clients who have felt embarrassed, humiliated or shamed – not because they thought what they said or did was actually “wrong” – but because of the response they’ve had from others.
To help illustrate their difficulty, I give the example of being on a holiday when my children were young. We were on a small beach - my elder daughter loved meeting new friends and introduced herself to another girl. They began running back and forwards to fill the moat around a sandcastle – it was a never-ending source of surprise that it just wouldn’t stay filled. I finally suggested it was time to get some lunch. “Can Izzie please come?” my daughter said, both girls looking keen. I tried saying I didn’t know Izzie’s mum. They said they hadn’t known one another earlier that morning either. Resignedly, I walked over to Izzie’s mum, apologised for the intrusion and said that the girls wondered if they could have lunch together - and would they like to join us. Twenty years on, we're still friends.
A week later, Izzie and her family had left, and the scene repeated. Once again, I asked the same question – but this time, it was met with a somewhat horrified look and a polite decline. I had behaved in the same way - but had received two very different responses.
In a world of new interactions, relationships, and situations, understanding what is within our control - and what is not - is central to retaining both our sense of ourselves and our mental health.
What’s Out of our Control
As humans, we all want to feel in control: it gives us a sense of certainty and decreases anxiety. Unfortunately, the reality is that other people’s opinions, actions, and the outcome of our efforts are not within our control. Focusing on what we cannot control is like trying to fill a moat around a sandcastle: both exhausting and futile, unless the tide is going in the right direction.
What’s outside our control includes:
Other people’s opinions: We can’t dictate how others see us, though we often try to by changing our behaviour. Unfortunately, this can twist us out of shape - sometimes so much that we no longer recognise ourselves.
Others’ actions and boundaries: People’s choices and limits are their own; our role is simply to respect them.
The past and future: We can’t change past events, nor can we predict the future - at least not with any certainty.
External events: Events around us, including the behaviours and choices of others, are influenced by countless variables beyond our reach.
Outcomes: Despite our best efforts, the outcome of our actions is never guaranteed.
What’s Within Our Control
Focusing to what we can control minimises unnecessary stress. What is within our control includes:
Our boundaries: Setting and maintaining boundaries is central to protecting our mental health.
How we handle challenges: Our approach to challenges and how we choose to behave in response, is within our control.
The goals we set: Our goals, and the effort we put in to work toward them, is our choice.
Our thoughts: We can control how we see situations and the way we talk to ourselves.
Our behaviours and decisions: Every action we take, whether it’s how we respond to a rude comment or how we conduct ourselves in challenging times, is a conscious choice.
Balancing Control and Acceptance
As the well-known Serenity Prayer goes:
“Grant me the serenity of accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference”.
Our mental health is best when we remember to:
1. Acknowledge What We Can’t Control: if we accept that some things are beyond our reach, we free ourselves from a futile battle.
2. Remember Our Own Motives: When we face different responses, like the mums at the beach, we need to remember why we behaved in the way we did and not personalise the response of others. That way, we can choose to act in ways that reflect our values, rather than our need for validation.
3. Be Kind to Ourselves: How we speak to ourselves in these moments will determine how we feel. Be compassionate. Remind ourselves that we’re responsible for our intentions, not the response we get from others.
5. Set and Respect Boundaries: Understand where our boundaries lie - and respect those of others. That way, we can build relationships based on mutual respect.
Conclusion
Learning what we can and can’t control is ultimately about self-awareness and acceptance. While it’s natural to want to make others happy, it’s essential to act in a way that matches our values. A willingness to approach strangers on the beach can offer the opportunity to make new friends. We can also accept that not everyone will think this is an appropriate way to act.
The wisdom to know where our control begins and ends can help determine how we interact in relationships, how we deal with challenges, and can help us control how we feel emotionally. It can also help grow a healthy sense of self, free from the need for validation or the weight of unrealistic expectations.