JADE: a method to help manage controlling people

In therapy, one of the most frequent problems clients seek help for is how to manage relationships with controlling people. These individuals—whether partners, family members, friends, or coworkers—can often undermine us by continually questioning our decisions, belittling our choices, or demanding explanations for our behaviours and decisions. The relentless need to justify ourselves can make us question ourselves more and more, leaving us feeling drained and embattled.

To help regain control, it’s really helpful to remember the acronym JADE: this stands for Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. It’s a reminder that we don’t need to constantly answer to others for the decisions we make. Instead, we can hold our position by focusing on what truly matters to us: What do I want? and Is that fair?

Understanding the JADE Method

The JADE method is a framework to help individuals avoid being drawn into unnecessary debates or power struggles with controlling people that can often leave us feeling invalidated or manipulated. JADE teaches us to stop overexplaining or seeking approval for our choices.

When you rely on JADE, you remind yourself that:

• You don’t need to justify your decisions over and over.

• You don’t need to argue with someone to convince them of your perspective.

• You don’t need to defend your reasoning as if you’re on trial.

• You don’t need to explain yourself to someone who isn’t genuinely seeking to understand.

Sometimes, it’s enough to simply state your decision or boundary and leave it at that.

The Core Questions: What Do I Want? Is It Fair?

The cornerstone of using JADE effectively is to focus on two critical questions:

1. What do I want? This helps you clarify your own needs, values, and goals. Before responding to a controlling person, ask what outcome you’re seeking. Do you want peace? To stand up for your boundaries? To walk away? Focusing on your own desires keeps you from being swayed by someone else’s agenda.

2. Is it fair? By “fair,” I don’t mean “Will this other person think it’s fair?”—because controlling individuals often operate with skewed definitions of fairness. Instead, reflect on whether your decision fits with your values, whilst respecting both yourself and others.

If the answer to both questions confirms your decision, then you can stand firm without JADE-ing yourself. Sometimes, a simple, confident response like “This is what works best for me” is all that’s needed.

Examples of When to Use JADE

Let’s look at some common scenarios where JADE can be a lifesaver.

Scenario 1: A Controlling Family Member

Your parent might say, “Why aren’t you coming to Sunday dinner? You know how much it means to everyone. You’re so selfish for not showing up.”

Instead of justifying your absence, you can simply say: “I won’t be able to make it this time.”

If pressed, you don’t need to explain every detail or defend your reasons. Your decision is yours to make, and it’s enough to state it clearly and calmly.

Scenario 2: A Friend Dismissing Your Choices

A friend might say, “Why would you take that job? It’s not what I would’ve picked for you.”

Rather than argue about your career choices, you can respond with: “I’ve made the decision that feels right for me.”

You’re not obligated to convince your friend that your choice is valid.

Scenario 3: A Partner Questioning Your Boundaries

Your partner might say, “You’re being ridiculous for needing alone time. Don’t you care about us?”

Instead of defending why alone time is important to you, try saying: “I need this time for myself, and I appreciate your understanding.”

You’re not required to make them agree with your boundary for it to remain valid.

Scenario 4: A Colleague Dismissing Your Input

A coworker might scoff at your suggestion in a meeting, saying, “That doesn’t make any sense.”

Rather than engaging in a debate, you might reply with: “This is my perspective, and I stand by it.”

You don’t need to justify your thoughts to everyone, especially if their intention is to undermine you.

When You Don’t Owe an Explanation

 It’s important to recognise that not every decision requires a reason. For example:

• Personal preferences: “I don’t want a coffee, thank you.”

• Setting boundaries: “I won’t be able to take on extra work this week.”

• Self-care choices: “I’ve decided to take some time off.”

Sometimes, it’s nobody else’s business why you’ve made a particular choice. A decision can simply stand on its own.

Breaking Free from the Opinions of Others

Controlling people will often label your decisions as “ridiculous,” “weak,” or “wrong” to pressure you into compliance. But here’s the truth: You are not responsible for the opinions, behaviours, or attitudes of others. The only person you can control is yourself. When you stop JADE-ing, you free yourself from the exhausting cycle of trying to please or convince others. 

By focusing on what you want and ensuring your decisions are fair, you can confidently make choices that fit with your values and goals. So, the next time someone tries to pull you into an unnecessary explanation, remember you don’t have to justify, argue, defend or explain the choices you make in your own life.