Hippo Time: The Importance of Validating Our Emotions

It can be easy at times to not properly acknowledge, or even to ignore our emotions. We sweep them under the carpet, hoping they’ll disappear. Or squash them into a cupboard, saying we’ll sort them later. But, just as we observe changes in our physical feelings - like noticing when we’re cold or  thirsty - our emotional feelings need similar attention. When we fail to validate our emotions, we risk losing touch with them.

Emotions and Self-Awareness

In the same way that physical discomfort signals a need for action - like putting on a sweater or drinking water - our emotions act as internal cues. They tell us about our psychological and emotional needs. For instance, acknowledging worry about exams might prompt us to revise. Noticing regret for upsetting someone may encourage us to apologise. Similarly, allowing ourselves to feel anger at injustice can be a powerful motivator for fighting for what’s right, as seen in the case of Alan Bates, who fought in the Post Office Scandal, a David versus Goliath fight that he eventually won.

Without acknowledging these emotions, we lose the opportunity to respond to them effectively.

The Role of Reflection in Emotional Validation

Reflecting on our emotions is essential for change. When we take time to pause and recognise what we are feeling, we give ourselves the space to decide how to respond. If we don’t, emotions like frustration or sadness can fester, potentially leading to negative consequences such as strained relationships, or destructive behaviours.

In his book SUMO (an acronym for “Shut Up, Move On”), Paul McKenna highlights the importance of fully experiencing our emotions before deciding how to act. He uses the metaphor of a hippo wallowing in the water, to show that we need to immerse ourselves in how we feel, whether it’s sadness, joy, anger or anxiety. However, he also emphasises the need to “get out” of the pool after we’ve validated those feelings - evaluating whether there’s something constructive we can do about them or whether we should continue on with our lives, allowing them to slowly fade away.

Why Validation Is Key to Emotional Health

When we validate our emotions, we give them the attention they deserve. This doesn’t mean indulging every feeling we have or letting them dictate our actions. Instead, it’s about recognising them as valuable signals.This validation serves several purposes:

Understanding Our Needs: Emotions are messengers. They help us understand what we need at any given moment. Anxiety might suggest a need for preparation or support, while anger could signal a boundary that has been crossed.

Building Resilience: When we learn to face our emotions head-on, we build emotional resilience. Instead of running from discomfort, we develop the capacity to cope with difficult feelings.

Enhancing Relationships: Validating our own emotions can also improve how we relate to others. When we understand our feelings, we’re better equipped to communicate them and empathise with the emotions of others.

The Danger of Emotional Avoidance

On the flip side, when we don’t validate our emotions, we often end up suppressing or avoiding them. This can lead to a range of issues:

Chronic Stress: Suppressing emotions has been linked to higher levels of stress and anxiety. Unaddressed emotions may resurface in unhealthy ways, such as outbursts of anger or persistent irritability.

Stunted Growth: If we ignore our emotions, we miss opportunities for growth and change. Without reflecting on how we feel, we can’t make decisions that improve our well-being or our relationships.

Emotional Detachment: Continually avoiding emotions can lead to emotional numbness, where we lose touch with both positive and negative feelings, leading to a sense of disconnection from life.

How to Start Validating Your Emotions

1. Pause and Notice: The first step to emotional validation is simply noticing how you feel. Take a moment throughout the day to check in with yourself.

2. Name the Emotion: Give your feeling a name. Whether it’s sadness, anger, excitement, or fear, naming your emotion helps make it concrete and easier to understand.

3. Understand the Cause: Reflect on what might be causing the emotion. Are you upset because of something someone said? Are you anxious about an upcoming event?

4. Decide What to Do: Once you’ve validated your emotion, you can decide whether to act on it or let it be. Sometimes, an emotion may call for a specific response, like apologising or setting a boundary. Other times, it may be best to acknowledge the emotion without acting on it, allowing it to pass naturally.

Conclusion

Validating our emotions is as essential to our well-being as recognising changes in our physical being. Just as we respond to being cold by putting on a jumper, we need to respond to our emotions with the same care. By taking the time to reflect on our emotional state, we can better understand ourselves, make positive changes, and enhance our emotional health. However, as Paul McKenna wisely reminds us, it’s also crucial to know when to step out of the emotional pool, ensuring that we don’t become overwhelmed by our feelings. Ultimately, validating emotions gives us the clarity a