Fear vs. Desire: the motivation to change

Internal conflicts that bring clients for help often relate to fear vs. desire. This always reminds me of an article that I read many years ago, by the windsurfer Jem Hall, about forward looping. The article said that the primary reason that most windsurfers avoid looping is that fear of injury outweighs desire. To succeed, Jem Hall argued, you need to assess the risk, prepare well and focus on your desire, whilst consciously squashing down your fear.

In everyday life, we frequently find ourselves wanting something whilst simultaneously being afraid of the risks involved. This conflict shapes not only our hobbies, like windsurfing,  but also our relationships and careers. Desire represents our wants and aspirations, whilst fear reminds us of the potential pain triggered by desire. It is a survival instinct designed to keep us safe from harm. But here’s the central problem: though protective, it can stop us from getting what we want in life if we let it dominate too much.

This dynamic is evident in many aspects of life and below are a few common examples of how the fear-desire conflict manifests, along with insights into how therapy can help clients make difficult decision.

Career Choice

A classic example is the person who wants to apply for a new job, apprenticeship, or a place at college or university. Or it can be someone who really wants promotion, or to ask for a pay rise. Similarly, it can be anyone who dreams of starting their own business but fears failure and worries about financial instability, potential loss of reputation, or the possibility of simply not succeeding.

Therapy can help by dissecting our fears - exploring where they come from and how valid they are. Are these concerns realistic, or are they amplified by past experiences or self-limiting beliefs?

Relationships

In any relationship, fear versus desire can also cause internal conflict. For example, we can really want intimacy but be paralysed by the overwhelming fear of rejection – so we avoid speaking to the person, avoid expressing our feelings, or avoid committing to a relationship because of the potential emotional pain.

Therapy helps by encouraging clients to sit with the discomfort of vulnerability while challenging their assumptions about rejection. Through gradual exposure and self-reflection, individuals learn that vulnerability and intimacy often go hand in hand. By building self-esteem and controlling our anxiety, we can become more willing to risk the pain of rejection for the happiness that can come from an emotionally supportive relationship.

Personal Development

Many people want to make significant changes in their lives - whether it’s moving to a new city or county, leaving work to go travelling, ending a toxic relationship, or breaking free from unhealthy habits - but they are equally fearful of the unknown. The desire for a better life competes with the fear of leaving their comfort zone. Often, the predictability of the current situation, no matter how unsatisfying, feels safer than the uncertainty of something new.

In therapy, we are encouraged to explore our fear of change and recognise how it can hold us back unnecessarily. By gaining insight into our thoughts and feelings, we can develop a better understanding of our anxieties. With time, we can learn to take small, manageable steps towards our goals, whilst acknowledging and managing our terror.

Therapy: useful strategies

Therapy can be a useful way for learning strategies that can help the fear vs desire debate. These include:

Identifying Core Schemas: Fear often stems from deep-seated beliefs about the world and our place in it. Therapy helps individuals uncover and challenge these beliefs, allowing us to see how irrational fears may be limiting our potential.

Reframing Failure: One of the greatest ways therapy can shift the fear-desire dynamic is by helping us redefine failure. Rather than seeing failure as something to be avoided at all costs, we can learn to view it as a part of growth and learning. As Eloise Ristad, writer and musician, once said “When we give ourselves permission to fail, we, at the same time, give ourselves permission to excel”.

Building Resilience: Therapy helps individuals build the tools to cope with setbacks and fears without being paralysed by them. This allows desire to become the driving force in decision-making, with fear playing a more appropriate, limited role. Of course, it’s also always good to question desire. For example, if you have a fear of heights but love skiing, you might well get on a chairlift. That doesn’t mean you’ll ever do a bungee jump or parachute if the desire is simply not there!

Gradual Exposure: Through controlled, incremental steps, therapy can help us face our fears. Over time, what once seemed terrifying becomes more manageable, allowing desire to win over fear.

Conclusion

The fear-desire quandary is universal. Whether in sport, relationships, career decisions, or personal growth, we are constantly negotiating these two frenemies. Whilst fear has its place in keeping us safe, it’s essential that we don’t let it dominate. As Joy says in the Pixar film Inside Out 2  “Anxiety is using Riley’s imagination against her !”, to emphasise how anxiety can hold us back in reaching our goals.

By acknowledging both the fears that hold us back and the desires that pull us forward, we can make more conscious choices in life. Therapy helps build the confidence to push past fear and pursue goals. As Jem Hall wrote in his article on forward looping, once you’ve done the preparation work, including assessing risk: “you should know what it is that motivates you to do this move and then take this momentum forward”.