Dolphin Parenting

As therapists, we commonly see young people facing mental health challenges and know how important parental approaches can be in helping with recovery. We are also aware that parents often find themselves feeling confused, overwhelmed, or even helpless when their child is struggling with a mental health issue. This article is for parents who feel concerned about how best to help their children in these circumstances. 

The Three Parenting Archetypes: Ostrich, Rhino, and Dolphin

The idea of ostrich, rhino, and dolphin parenting styles can help us better understand how parental attitudes and behaviours impact a young person’s mental health journey:

1. Ostrich

Ostrich parents can have a tendency to bury their heads in the sand, avoiding the reality of their child’s struggles. This might manifest as downplaying symptoms, attributing them to a phase, or resisting external help. While avoidance may provide temporary relief from anxiety, frustration or guilt, it risks allowing the mental health issue to worsen.

2. Rhino

Rhino parents can tend to “charge” at their child’s mental health problems – probably because they themselves feel anxious or frustrated – with the risk that they then cause excessive pressure on their child. So, they demand immediate change or struggle to separate the child from the problem, unintentionally framing the child as “the issue.” While this approach comes from a place of love and concern, it can lead to a clashing of horns, resentment, or a worsening of symptoms. 

3. Dolphin

Dolphin parents use a balance of support, guidance, and collaboration. Like dolphins swimming alongside their young, these parents maintain a calm and consistent presence – at least most of the time - gently steering their child while encouraging independence. They start from the child’s perspective, before offering their own perspective of how the child’s goals may be contradictory, finally suggesting a solution. So, for example, a parent might say: “I understand that you are terrified of going to school – but you also want to see your friends and to learn – so can we work out a way for you to fight your fear and get you to school?” By doing this, they focus on shared goals, separating the child from the mental health issue and ensuring that they are on the same side of the boxing ring as their child, helping them fight their problems.

From Eating Disorder Research to Broader Applications

Dolphin parenting principles initially emerged from research in eating disorder treatment. Parents were encouraged to adopt a compassionate but firm approach, distinguishing their child from the disorder. This distinction allows parents to empathise with their child while actively working against the eating disorder’s grip.

As therapists, we realise that this approach is not limited to eating disorders – or to only a parent/ child dyad. It’s useful for anyone who wants to help another with a problem -and is just as effective for a wide range of mental health issues, including anxiety, depression, OCD, and substance use disorders. These conditions are not traits or choices – they’re burdens that a person doesn’t want to carry. By adopting dolphin parenting, parents ensure that they join forces with their child to fight against their difficulties.

Applying Dolphin Parenting to Different Mental Health Issues

Dolphin parenting is about collaboration and connection, helping children feel understood and supported in their struggle. Here’s how it can be applied across different scenarios:

• Anxiety: Instead of dismissing or over-accommodating a child’s fears, dolphin parents acknowledge the anxiety while encouraging gradual steps toward facing it. For example, if a child is afraid of school, a dolphin parent might work with them on incremental exposure, acknowledging all victories, however small,  along the way. 

• Depression: Depression can make a child feel unmotivated or disconnected. Rather than interpreting these behaviours as laziness or defiance, dolphin parents show empathy, reminding their child that the depression is the issue, not them. They offer small, manageable behavioural changes to rebuild engagement with life.

• Substance Use: Dolphin parents focus on understanding the underlying reasons for substance use, without judgment. They work with their child to find healthier coping strategies, framing their actions as a way to fight the problem together.

Separating Your Child from their Problem

It is always helpful to separate a person from their mental health problem. This means seeing the problem as something external that the person is experiencing—not an intrinsic part of who they are. For example:

• Instead of: “Why are you so difficult lately?”

• Say: “I can see the anxiety is really making things hard for you right now.”

This shift helps parents and children share the same goal: reducing the influence of the mental health issue. When parents adopt this mindset, they remind their child that they’re on the same side in overcoming a mental health problem, not battling against them.

Why Dolphin Parenting Matters

Mental health challenges can make children feel isolated, misunderstood, and powerless. Dolphin parenting counteracts these feelings by increasing trust, collaboration, and hope. It’s about providing support while equipping your child with the tools they need to navigate their problems.

Of course, adopting dolphin parenting isn’t always easy. As parents, our own fears, frustrations, and uncertainties can sometimes pull us toward ostrich or rhino tendencies. That’s why self-compassion and support—whether through therapy, support groups, or trusted professionals—are just as vital for parents as they are for children.

Conclusion 

At the heart of dolphin parenting lies a fundamental truth: your child doesn’t want to be weighed down by mental health problems any more than you want them to be. By ensuring that you’re working with your child against the problem, rather than against each other, you create the environment for change.

Parenting a child with mental health challenges is undoubtedly one of the toughest journeys a parent can face. But by approaching it with the empathy, balance, and teamwork of a dolphin, you can help your child not just survive but ultimately thrive.