Breaking Familial Patterns of Abuse
Over the years, I have sat across from many clients who have taken the brave step to break away from familial patterns of abuse. Their stories vary but share a common thread: the need to forge a new path - often at the cost of family ties - and usually with a significant sense of anxiety and loss.
The Grimm Brothers’ tale, The Grandfather and the Grandson, symbolises how inherited behaviours can perpetuate suffering - and how moments of clarity and courage can spark change. But what happens after someone has challenged these cycles, only to find themselves rejected from their family? And how can therapy help support those who have made this difficult choice?
The Story
In The Grandfather and the Grandson, the elderly grandfather - banished from the family table to eat from a trough by his son and daughter-in-law - serves as an example of abuse. It isn’t until the father sees his son making a wooden trough for him that the parents recognise the cycle that they are perpetuating. Fortunately, these parents are able to accept the cruelty of their behaviour and change. Unfortunately, for many clients I have seen, instead of reflection, the parents or other family members either defend or deny their behaviour, “scapegoating” the client. This is never more common than in sexual abuse, where families continue to blame the victim, even in cases where the abuser is found guilty!
The tale of The Grandfather and the Grandson highlights a moment of realisation - and the opportunity to change. For many of my clients, this story mirrors their own awareness - the point they decided to break away from the patterns of behaviour they were raised with. Whether they grew up facing emotional neglect or abuse, physical punishment, or sexual abuse, the decision to stop these cycles inevitably causes distress.
The Aftermath of Breaking the Cycle
While challenging patterns of abuse is often celebrated in self-help books and inspirational stories – including in The Grandfather and the Grandson - the reality is that it often leads to significant trauma, at least in the short term. Many individuals find themselves ostracised, labelled as the “troublemaker” or “crazy one” by their family. This sense of being outcast can be incredibly painful, leading to questions like, “Was it worth it?”
I have seen the strength it takes to make these changes, as well as the anxiety, sense of loss, guilt and isolation that can follow. Here are some common themes and challenges faced:
Family Rejection: Confronting or rejecting abusive family dynamics can result in severed relationships. Individuals often struggle with the grief of losing familial bonds, even when those relationships were damaging. It also often involves rejection by the extended family and friends, through the campaign to scapegoat and blame the individual for all the distress caused.
Fear and Self-doubt: Without the support of a family unit, many people wrestle with self-doubt. They wonder if they did the right thing by speaking out.
The Role of Therapy
Therapy can help by:
1. Validating: One of the most immediate benefits of therapy is the validation it offers. When you have been labelled as “difficult” or have faced a backlash for exposing truths, therapy can serve as a reminder that challenging abusive or neglectful behaviour is a real act of courage. It helps you understand that your experiences and feelings are valid, even when your family continue to negate and undermine them.
2. Decreasing Loneliness: Being outcast from your family can lead to an overwhelming sense of loneliness. In therapy, you can explore ways to build stronger support networks. Organisations such as Stand Alone (www.standalone.org.uk) offer support and advice. Their research can be helpful to validate emotions: 80% of those estranged from their families report feeling more freedom and independence, though 68% also note feeling judged for going against societal expectations.
3. Reconstructing Self-Worth: Surviving and challenging an abusive background often comes with a fractured sense of self-worth. Therapy helps individuals rebuild this by exploring the values that guided them to break the cycle in the first place. There are many therapeutic approaches that can help, including cognitive-behavioural, interpersonal, schema-focused, compassion focused and acceptance and commitment therapy.
4. Managing Self-Doubt and Fear: The fear of unconsciously repeating old patterns of behaviour is real for many who grew up in abusive households. Encouraging clients to reflect on their behaviours and challenge negative thoughts can allow them to learn that, whilst we can’t be perfect, we can be aware, which will minimise the risk of repetition.
5. Addressing Grief and Loss: Breaking away from your family or being rejected can trigger a profound sense of grief. Therapy can provide a space to grieve not just the loss of family relationships, but the idealised version of what you wanted your family to be – often the one that your family still shows the outside world! This step is crucial for recovery, allowing us to acknowledge the pain, while also finding acceptance and peace with our choice.
6. The Importance of Self-Compassion: One of the hardest parts of breaking generational cycles is forgiving yourself for the impact it has on family dynamics. I often remind my clients that they did not choose to be part of the cycle; they chose to end it. In sessions, I focus on compassionate inquiry, helping clients explore why they made their decisions and reinforcing that those choices came from a place of self-protection, for themselves or their children. Over time, these practices help them internalise that they are not the source of the family’s dysfunction.
Conclusion
It’s easy to feel disillusioned when the choice to break from the cycle of abuse leads to pain, rejection, or fear. But I have seen, time and time again, that those who push through this phase find themselves more able to become who they want to be, learning that it’s possible to ensure a life built around healthy, mutually respectful relationships.